Going back over

I spent a few minutes this morning, going back over a number of posts I had written.  Posts around my old work and the anxiety I felt and the need to clear out and excavate the parts of myself that had been covered over with years of work crap.  And I realise that I am there.  On the other side.  And so what if I didn’t become a fitness guru or extreme achiever in this break.  Who the fuck cares.  I made it! I’m here and I am so much happier and calmer than what I was back then.  Here I was thinking that I hadn’t moved on - but fuck I have.  I have, I have, I have!!

You little ripper

Tip typing

Thankfully just as I launched myself back into blogging, I have a uni assignment due!  This means that I can divert my attention away from talking about TTC for another couple of days.  A kind of tip typing my way around the issue!  

As a means of staying in the moment (and yes I see the irony, considering that I am diverting from facing the moment of discussing TTC!), the following are five things that I am grateful for today:

1. Green tea

2. A slice of the blueberry/rhubarb/apple crumble that I made last night (I’ll post a picture tomorrow…mmmm)

3. Seeing my beautiful partner walk through the door tonight

4. Eyes to read

5. Fingers to type angry emails to the Pittswater School Principal about the forced resignation of a gay teacher (the school recently supported the resignation of a gay male teacher, after students noticed a username the teacher used to log on to an educational site. The students then googled that username and found out that it also happened to belong to the teacher’s profile on a gay dating website. The students then circulated naked photos of the teacher and the teacher was forced into resignation).  Way crap.

Sneaking back in!

I wish there was an easy to explain reason for my lack of posting.  It seems to have been a typical scenario with me - I start with gusto, post for a few days at a time and then bam, just like that I retreat.  And before I know it, weeks and then months have passed.  And all the time, I click on my blog hoping and half-expecting that I had written a post and just forgot to tell myself about it!  A bit like those people who suffer from sleep disturbances and wake to find out they ate half a turkey and 2000 calories while they were asleep.  I was hoping for some blogging calories - but alas no night blogging!

The worst part of not having blogged regularly is that I seem to have missed the opportunity to send my love and congratulations to so many wonderful girls who have either finally found their golden egg and those that have had their little munchies.  Congratulations to all of you and although I have commented for the most part on your blogs, I am sorry that it has taken me so long to say it here. 

Well last time I wrote, I had just moved over from blogspot, resigned from my stressful job, was waiting to have my last day and was winding up uni for the semester.  I had hoped that I would be having an IVF cycle in August (my FS was away June/July), I would have done some gardening, lost some weight, become fitness guru, painted the entire unit and finished my post-graduate submission!   Well nine weeks later and I am yet to go through an IVF cycle, have put on weight from the copious amounts of cakes I have been making, have reduced my fitness as I walk even less than what I did before, am yet to begin my post grad submission and have a constant neck stiffness from the amount of cable tv I have been watching.  The good news is that I have been doing some gardening!!  

I honestly don’t know what has been wrong with me.  Anyone else in their fucking right mind would have used this time to create and do and become and relish.  And while I have done some of that in potting beautiful plants on our verandah and cleaning out cupboards and getting on top of paperwork, cleaning and making sure that Beanie B doesn’t have to do anything other than get herself to work and back - I still feel a little guilty and perhaps even like I have abused this time off.  And all of that comes from this lack of living in the moment and the paralysis that comes with occupying that space.  I remember being this way from when I was a kid - you might know the feeling yourself -  you’re aged 8 or 9 and you finally get that lolly or ice-cream you have been wanting for weeks and when you first taste it, it is heaven and then all of a sudden you suddenly realise that at some stage the lolly or ice-cream will end.  And so you become so obsessed that it will soon be gone that you forget to enjoy tasting it.  That’s me lately.  That’s me since I went on leave and now that I am analysing why I have been feeling the way I have - I think this is where all this angst is coming from.  Additionally, because the time off has been such a luxury, I think I was trying to make the time so achievement oriented to justify the lack of money and the big hole I knew we would eat into our savings, when the reality was that I needed to just have a break and watch Happy Days re-runs!

One productive day I have been having is each and every Wednesday.  I am back at uni and am now in week 6. Only 8 weeks left of the semester and then I will have finished my degree.  I can’t believe it, as it has been such a long road.  It is truely one of the things I am most proud of and I am grateful for every moment.  Even the moment right now, when I am worried about an assignment due this week!

I want to talk about fertility and IVF and why we are not there yet - but to be honest I don’t have the energy.  So I’ll leave it for tomorrow.  But what I will say is that it is good to be back and even though the tone of this blog isn’t especially upbeat, at least it is a post!

Random thoughts

God dammed - you would think that being three working days out from leaving my work, my workload would be diminishing - but alas - it seems to have grown.  It is partly my fault in that I have reduced my concentration (and thus my capacity to complete tasks at any speed above basic snail movements is low to unlikely), however, it does show just how much was expected from me in such a short period of time.  A workmate has suggested just leaving it all go and not bothering to complete what is left over - but I am far too much of a fucking martyr just don’t feel like I should leave unfinished business behind!! 

In far happier news was my recent visit to Dr Wonderful - my acupuncturist / naturopath / healthy mind guru.  He has said that I really need to come in for weekly acupuncture for the next two months before IVF, which suits me to a tea. I find the sessions so relaxing, nearly always fall asleep and have these really incredible dreams.  I have woken a number of times to find myself remembering dreams in vivid detail, eg my favourite dream was that I had been swimming inside of my belly and weaving in and out between shards of light that was coming from above (the acupuncture needles).  Does anyone else have moments like these during accupuncture?  

He has also put me back on a range of herbs.  So in addition to multivitamin and extra folic acid for the extra kilos on my body, I am also back on provera, DHA, Rehmannia (to help reduce my auto-immunity) and a mix of Paeonia, Withania, Chamomile and Ginger.  The mix will change right before I start IVF, as Chamomile and Withania isn’t necessarily safe during pregnancy.  I have only been on the new herbs since Wednesday morning, however, in conjunction with our new life choices I have really noticed the difference in how I am feeling.  I am far less anxious, more clear headed and significantly calmer.  I have only woken up in the middle of the night once since Wednesday, which is huge, as I was edging my way to insomnia only a few weeks ago.  I am frightened of how we will be financially once I have left work, especially when I realised that we need to shell over around $7,000 in 6 weeks or so (we’ll get a big chunk back), however, despite this fear I can’t wipe the smile off my face.

We have decided that after my four weeks paid leave, which starts next Friday, I will then take another month off until we have finished IVF.  On the one hand it makes perfect sense to hold off going for interviews  or starting a new job until I am past the foggy mind and vague symptoms stage of IVF (thanks to Synarel).  The reality is that I would need a few days off work, which wouldn’t go down well in a new position, added to which we want to ensure that we are giving my body the best chance of success. However, I fear that if the cycle is negative that it will be even more challenging to have to haul myself up and get a new gig going, with the knowledge that it would be another couple of months wait until we could have another go at IVF.  But of course, I really don’t have a right to complain considering that (a) I have time off and so many of you have to juggle exceptionally demanding jobs with no end in sight and (b) we live in a country that subsidises much of the costs associated with infertility.  So I’ll stop my whining right here!

 

Hello WordPress!

Well hello there.  I’m glad that you found us because it has to be said, since making the move over from Blogspot yesterday, I couldn’t be happier!  WordPress is so much easier to navigate and the design options are significantly more varied. So while not all my links are up yet and I am yet to add any recipes to my recipe page, I am enjoying the change!

For those that have stumbled across this blog, our previous blog address was www.morebeansplease.blogspot.com and it contains our previous journey to date.   

SQQQUUUEEAALLLLLLLL

We finally made it!!!  I have finished my uni assignment, survived my resignation, B started her new job and together we have made it through to the other side.

Apologies for the lack of commenting on your blogs….I look forward to catching up on all of your news very shortly.  

I am in the process of moving over to wordpress so that I can password protect entries, photos etc…..so I will save my chatter until then.  I’ll leave a link to the new page as soon as it is up and running with a new post and lovely links to all of your fabulous blogs.  If I haven’t got you on my bloglist and you would like to be included, just leave a comment and I will add you in.

See you in a day or two.

It’s done!!

Ahhhhhh a deep breath out!!  I did the deed and resigned today. As I am still on leave until tomorrow, and I was worried that my manager wouldn’t be in until Thursday, I decided to call her and let her know over the phone.  She took it really well and I feel a HUGE sense of relief.  

I am so excited about our future and I can’t wait for the next 4 weeks, as I tie up all my loose ends and move my mind to happier places.

I really want to take a moment and thank the lovely gals over at Enough Grows.  They don’t know it but I was reading a post in their archives, which was written by PCat and it was the final inspiration I needed to take the leap and decide that I too had the courage to leave the security of my employment!  Pcat decided to leave her job in hospitality and move into Child Care even though she had not worked in the industry before, Owl was about to begin IVF and they were worried about finances.  It took great faith to believe that everything would work out ok, and bountiful things have since greeted that family.  So thanks guys - your story was just what I needed to read.

I have finally finished one of my assignments and managed to hand it in at the 11th hour this afternoon.  Unfortunately I have to spend the next three hours working on that audit that I have been whingeing about for the last week….yep another last minuter. I head back to work tomorrow, where my manger and I will let my team know about my resignation. I decided to transfer my acupuncture appointment until Tuesday of next week - I just want to see if my anxiety settles down now that I have told work I am leaving.  That means after my work audit tonight, I only have one more thing hanging over my head - my final uni assignment - and that will mark the end of my uni semester and a beautiful, loud squeal of happiness. God am I looking forward to that!

She’s finally decided…..

After 6 years working for the same Department (with various jobs), 5 years of feeling stressed out and 2 months of pretty bad (for me) anxiety - I have finally made the decision to RESIGN!!!

Yiiiharrrrr.  It has taken so long for me to come to this final stage of acceptance and now that I am here, I can’t wait to get moving.  

So the plan is to hand in my resignation either this Wednesday or Thursday, when I am back from leave and give work 4 weeks notice, in order to finalise my component of all the projects I have been working on.  I will then have around 4 weeks annual leave up my sleeve, which should give me enough time to find another job.  We have decided that once we cut down some expenses, we can afford for me to come down a number of pay scales and work only around 20 hours per week.  Although the reduction in pay per hour will be a little bitter, I am desperately looking forward to a job where I am not running on adrenalin every moment of the day.   

I have never loved my Beanie B more, as I am only in this great position to be able to cut down my pay because she has taken up additional research work at uni.  

Ahhhhhhh………..this will mean more time for me to take care of my fertility, work toward my study goals, keep a house clean(ish), start a garden, paint, dream, create and of course the absolute essential - cook every night!!  

So now all I have to do is finish two stressful uni assignments and not poop my pants when I go in to see my manager. Not only will I be resigning but I will also need to explain why I haven’t yet done that audit!  Ah but to think….in around a month even that fear will all be but a memory and instead our new life will be waiting for me to claim.

Is that a tweak of excitement I am feeling?

Actually - I think it is!  

To be honest even though having yet ANOTHER break is a bit of a pain in the posterior, I am really happy that we are moving on to IVF.  I feel as though we might have more control and having read so many other success stories to have come from IVF journeys, I can’t help but focus on a very persistent glimmer of excitement that we might actually end up with a Beanie Baby at the end of all of this.

Good news about our sperm too.  I rang our clinic and was very pleased to speak with the new spermasist, who unlike our previous lady that was quite officious, our new lady was so helpful and friendly.  What a difference a simple person swap can make!  Anyway, she has reserved another 5 vials of Mr Aussie for us and she informed me that there have been two recent births from our donor.  WIHOOOOOOO!!!  He is now ‘proven’.  After our previous concerns about his swimmers, it was a great relief - especially seeing as though we grew a bit attached to his profile (and yes I know we aren’t supposed to feel that way!).  The spermasist also told me that the babies were super cute and that the donor obviously has excellent genes.  Very good as the idea of giving birth to an alien child has flickered across my mind a couple of times.  To be honest though, I’d take an alien anyway.

The great news continues in that I have actually STARTED my uni assignments!!!  WIHOO!!! Yes that’s right folks, not only have I managed to fit in 3 hours of reading blogs, making the bed, cleaning the dishes, whipping up a delicious vegie pizza, playing with the cats, watching Oprah and doing a load of laundry - I still managed to get in a couple of hours of uni………what a freakin’ machine I am!  

Ah this only reinforces that I need to leave work.  I haven’t felt this good in months.  

Excavation

So excavation has started.  Not in our physical garden yet (but planning has begun there) but in my internal space.

I have taken this week off work (rec leave), which I am supposed to be using to complete two major uni assignments.  I had planned on starting both assignments on Saturday past, however, it was clear that I needed some contemplative time to help let go some of the pressure I felt I was under.  So I have spent the last four and a half glorious days seeing some friends and reveling in some domesticity.    

Saturday night was a friend’s 30th at a funky hotel in the inner-city.  I bought a slimming black poncho that is super warm (good for wearing to work later on as my street is a wind tunnel) and teamed it with well cut black pants, cute shoes and feathers and jewelry for my hair.  I glittered my eyes and next to the beautiful B, I felt a million bucks.  It was good to get out and catch up with some old friends.  They all know that we are trying for a baby and it was soothing to be able to talk about it a bit - even if I did have to put up with a couple of “if you just relax and try and be calm it will then happen” comments.  Fuck me I hate the ‘calm‘ comment more than pretty much any other one.  It is so irritating. Especially seeing as though until recently I am usually pretty relaxed!  But calm comments coming from people who have either never wanted kids or fell pregnant without actively ‘trying’, or have bucketloads of cash so that they don’t have to work, only aggravates me further and I can’t help but imagine screaming, “I AM CALM SHITHEAD”!!!!  Ah the serenity!

So in the domesticity department, I cleaned and rearranged our lounge/dining room and bedroom.  Granted we only have a small unit but it was great to get in and scrub away a couple of months worth of neglect.  I moved a number of bits and bobs around and all that pottering around certainly has had a restorative effect!  I did a massive food shop and I have been cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner, which is big for us as we have been eating out so much.  Although we had been eating at good places and choosing food that is semi-healthy, eating out so regularly has cost us a bomb and not having good food in the house has really been contributing to feeling like life was out of control.  We just found that we were too tired to shop, cook and then eat. With all our study, commuting, work and TTC appointments, we had both run out of steam.  So I am so pleased to be only 2 weeks away from the end of semester, having a break from TTC appointments and now that B has been offered a research position, she will take 3 months leave of absence from her Phd.  Something had to give and it feels good to know that there is some light before we begin IVF in July/August.  

I have made an appointment to see my acupuncturist next Wednesday, where I am going to also speak with him about some herbs to help calm me down a bit.  For about two months prior to this week, I had been waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for a couple of hours.  My brain was so busy and I was finding it really difficult to slow the chatter down.  I had also noticed other anxiety type symptoms, like rapid breathing and feeling really jittery.  I was also scared and worked up every time I would have to go in to work, as the “to do” pile was so big and I couldn’t bare the fact that I felt as though I was doing a really bad job.  I went in to work on Friday even though it was supposed to be the start of my holidays and the whole time I was walking to my building I felt as though I couldn’t breathe.  It’s not as though the work is particularly difficult at all, it’s just that there seems to be so much and because there has been no other solid ground around me (ie TTC not knowing - B’s scholarship finishing etc, etc) I have been feeling so tired and have felt as though I have been working at a snail’s pace.  But even working slowly, I still have so much on my plate constantly at work.  For example, even now on my holidays it is playing a role - i.e. I have been putting off starting my uni assignments all day yesterday and today, as I know I have to get an audit completed for work first!!  I was supposed to finish it before I went on leave, but I just didn’t get to it in time.   B wants me to resign from my job and find something that is more suited to walk in and walk out (i.e. a job where I don’t have to take physical work home with me), however, I am worried that that would mean having to work an extra day per week to make up for the drop in pay.  It’s a hard one to balance, especially as we need extra funds to pay for IVF, which will be tight on top of our mortgage and other commitments.

Despite the work thing hanging over my head, I have found myself much calmer this week.  Of course I am worried that when I go back to work mid next week, I will lose the relative balance that I am feeling now.  I just don’t want to keep saying, “I just need to get through this week and I will feel better”, or “next month things will slow down“.  I realise that I have wished away so many precious weeks of my life and I hope that the excavation work that we have started (ie no Phd for 3 months, break from uni for a month, no TTC appointments and better routine for cooking and eating) will help ease the stress so that I stop wishing so much time away.  The reality is that things won’t slow down unless we slow down.  I guess we just need to “relax and calm down“!!!  But of course only I can say that - if a friend says it - well they’re just a shithead aren’t they!