Not dead….

Just studying!!  I am almost at the end of my undergraduate degree and I am pooped…

Sorry for lack of posting – I will be back on board next week.

Much love

G

Holding the train (the wedding train that is) – another ‘J’ moment

Firstly, thank you so much for all your kind words of support.  After so many years of silently digesting my SIL’s attitude to her four sons, it felt so fantastic letting it go out into the ether.  To then receive the support of regular commenters and those lovelies from ICLW – it was very reassuring to know that flying the J flag (in this situation) wasn’t such a terrible thing.

It turns out that the comments came in at the perfect time, as both my SIL and BIL pulled the rug out from under us again a couple of days ago.  The two eldest boys were supposed to be staying with us this weekend, which was something that they (and B and I) had been looking forward to so much.  However, obviously the boys were a bit too excited because they rang up and found an excuse for why the boys were no longer able to come.  They told us that the boys wanted to stay for two nights (Friday and Saturday), however, because we were only able to have them from Friday afternoon until Saturday night (we would pick them up Friday 5:00pm and drive them back home on Saturday night at 7:30pm) they thought that would be “too disappointing for the boys not to stay for the two full nights and all of Sunday“.  They knew perfectly well that we weren’t able to have them also on the Sunday because B has a big conference in Sydney all next week that she is doing a lot of work for and needs that time to finalise preparation.  It was just an excuse to exercise their control over us and to punish the boys.  To use a good old Australian expression – it severely shat me to tears…..but there is nothing we can really do, otherwise there will be no future relationship.  So again they hold the cards and we wait around wondering what hand we will be dealt.

I don’t know whether it is the extra progesterone that is judging up my veins, or if it is just a case of a bird finally being let out of its cage – and then deciding to reek havoc on the home in which it has lived by deciding to poop on all the good furniture – but I am in need of talking about weddings and what it feels like to be excluded.  I think because of the excess progesterone and therefore the lack of sweet icing I have at my disposal to hide the crumbly cake with, perhaps anybody that is about to get married, has just gotten married or feels particularly sensitive about their wedding or wedding preparations, this might not be the best post to read.***

B and I have attended many weddings…infact I should say countless weddings.  We haven’t had the opportunity to attend any commitment ceremonies, so the weddings I am referring to are for opposite-sex couples (same-sex couples can not get legally married in Australia and we just haven’t got any friends who have had a commitment ceremony).  For many of these weddings we have helped with endless preparations, we have sat on the end of the phone helping friends and families make decisions about the white napkin or the cream, we have put time aside to go and find the perfect present, we have spent hard-earned money on these presents, we have spent hours deliberating over the perfect gift wrap and the best message to go on the card, we have bought new outfits that we wouldn’t wear in any other situations, we have donned make-up, had hairdressing appointments, got our dreads maintained, we have paid for bridesmaid dresses, we have paid for accommodation and airflights, we have endured conversations with some family and friends that haven’t always made us feel comfortable, we have hiked up our dress and peed in portaloos, we have stood in the freezing cold while photographers tried to capture that ‘perfect moment’, we have housed and fed countless numbers of guests in town for the weddings, we have worn shoes so tight and so uncomfortable that we ended up with permanent corns, we have……we have…….we have…….(and yes, I know that you all probably have done ALL the same things for your own family and friends!!!)

But the hardest moment of all and the thing we have to do each time is now getting just too much to endure.  And that is never being recognised.  I don’t mean “thanks for the present” or “thanks for coming“, I mean the fact that not one single soul at any of these fucking events has ever said, “this must be hard for you both – the fact that you have been together for ten years and can’t get married“.  At first I thought that it was too much to expect for anyone to consider us – I mean weddings are about the bride and groom right? They aren’t about (or shouldn’t be about) appeasing every one else.  But you know what, I don’t think it would take much for someone who is a good friend or a close family member to put themselves out there and consider us just once.  I just don’t think I have it in me many more times to attend a ceremony and hear the celibrant say,

“Marriage, according to law in Australia, in the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into, for life.”

Yes that’s right, good old fuckface previous PM Johnny Howard has made it compulsary that all marriage celebrants say the above line.  And every time they say it the winds gets knocked out of me and I start to shake.  And then a couple of lines after the happy couple are married and B and I have to line up to wish the bride and groom well.  And we do wish them well.  We just wish someone would wish us well.  It would be nice if just once, someone, anyone would lean over at any time before, during or after the wedding to acknowledge that it must be hard not having the right to get married. That’s all we want and then the all the help and love and money and care that we would have shared with the new couple would feel just that bit brighter.  And we wouldn’t feel so god dammed alone.

The big “J” for judged

We just had our first really warm weekend – and it was fabulous.  Not usually being a fan of high heat (due to autoimmune issues), I was surprised to find myself so enamored with the intense shards of light falling through our windows and the smell of sunscreen in the air.  

Four of our nephews came to visit and we took them down to the beach to have a swim in the bay.  Three of them (the fourth is only seven months old) have only ever swam at the beach a couple of times, but already their confidence is so much higher and they are willing to be just a little more adventurous each time.  Although it was great to see them and have a chance to run around together, it was also difficult as their mum (B’s sister-in-law) was in her usual horrid and self absorbed mood.

 In the seven years I have known her (and since our first nephew was born) I have never seen her interact with the boys.  Even when breast-feeding - she yanks the baby off and holds it out like a tray of biscuits for someone to take and hold.  She never picks the kids up, rarely talks to them (other than shouting at them), never cuddles them, never kisses them, never asks them questions, rarely shows any love or guidance in any way.  Most disturbingly, she goes on and on about how much she would have preferred a girl!  When her third son was born, all she could say was “Am I the unluckiest person alive.  Why did I have to have three boys” and then when she had the scan for the fourth baby and found out that it too was a boy, all she did was spend the rest of her pregnancy dreading the birth.  While I understand that it might be hard momentarily for some people who don’t have the gender they were hoping for, I also think – they they should get the fuck over it.  I mean really – especially for we fertile challenged – it really is disturbing that the uniqueness (which includes gender) of each child isn’t celebrated for what it is.  I usually try not to judge other parents or other people, however, the gender disappointment forums that exist out there really shit me off.  AS IF that won’t have a negative impact on a child’s self-worth.  COME ON.

Anyway, the lack of attention, love, support, nurturing and the constant reprimanding for not being born another gender, has not surprisingly had an effect on the boys. For example the second and third boys have severe speech disorders (which weren’t properly addressed in any way until very recently) and the fourth baby is in the lowest 25 percentile for weight as her breast milk was reduced from her constant smoking and they kept thinking that “he’ll be right“.    Oh yeah did I mention that she sucked back siggy’s throughout all her pregnancies and even right in the middle of labour! Yes, despite the fact that her third son has such bad asthma he has to be taken to hospital regularly.

 When reading from the sidelines it might be tempting to suggest to call DOCS (child services) or to take bitchface and her partner (B’s twin brother) aside and give them a good talking to.  However, we know that if we do either one of those things, the kids would be hugely distressed from being removed from their father (he is doing the best possible job that he can given the horrible partner he has to put up with) and she would ensure we wouldn’t be allowed contact with the boys.  At least this way we can have them stay each month and provide them with as much love and nurturing as possible and also be there to give support to their dad.  The other plus factors include the fact that nephew 1 is in school, nephew 2 is in special ed – day care (so both are receiving outside monitoring), and nephew 4, because of his low weight, is receiving ongoing monitoring by medical services.

It has been a really difficult situation, because I have had to keep looking at the issues and asking myself if I am too harshly judging them because of our own unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy and parenthood. Am I being too harsh just because we want a child/ren so much?  I think the answer is both yes and no.  Perhaps I am being too critical in some arenas, however, lack of showing love, is lack of showing love.  And fertile challenged or not – I’ve decided to wave the big ‘J’ for JUDGED flag.

Protected: The Beanie Faces

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Old lining

**Warning – blood and periods discussed – look away if queasy – particularly people who I know IRL**

I had my appointment with the lovely, wonderful Dr H.  Unfortunately B couldn’t come along, as she wasn’t able to leave work, but it felt like she was in the room as she kept trying to call me on my mobile while I was on the table with a scan up my hoo ha (I was seen earlier than expected)!!

Anyway, as mentioned in my earlier posts, I have been bleeding for 31 days now.  My period has been annoyingly fickle, and has avoided making any real decisions about how it wanted to visit.  It has been heavy, then light, then heavy, then medium, then light, then heavy again etc etc.  The last couple of days it has been a bit like a dripping tap – and I have felt increasingly weakened and enervated. Because of the heaviness over the last few days in particular, I had hoped that I would be able to weasel my way out of a vagina scan.  I mean who wants a wanding in that state!!  Unfortunately, I couldn’t plead my way out of it.  All I can say is YUCK, YUCK, YUCK.  Bloodied speculum, vagina wand and soaked plastic/paper cover underneath my behind.  Definately a few things I could have lived without feeling and seeing!!!

Ok now with that grossness over, here is the sitch.  Despite having my period for so many days, I still have a large amount of thickened uterine lining that is yet to shed.  Dr H is pretty certain that it is due to unsuccessful ovulation over the last four months and the consequent build up of lining. At first he said that he wanted to do a curet, in order to clean out as much old lining as possible.  While I was ok with that, I did say that I would prefer a lower intervention approach first.  He agreed and so I will start Primolut today and will continue for the next seven days. For those who don’t know and want to – Primolut is a type of progesterone supplement and will act to stop my period for the seven days.  When I come off it next Friday, I’ll then get a withdrawal bleed, which is hoped will draw out the rest of my old uterine lining.  I’ll go in for another scan in two weeks or so to see how my lining looks then.  If it is still built up – I’ll then go in for a curet.

Considering you are most fertile immediately after a curet (via surgically or via Primolut) B and I would really like to do an IVF cycle straight after, however, we may need to wait until November.  Good news is that my left ovary was completely clear of cysts and only my right ovary had a number of little friends on it. Dr H said that they looked really quite good, which I am happy about.

Dr H noticed how red I was in the cheeks and generally how shit I looked!  I went downstairs for a wad of blood tests, just to check my iron, ANA’s etc.  I am sure I will come up with low iron levels, something that I hope to rectify over the next few weeks with extra iron supplements. 

So that’s it.  Well actually, there are some things about phlebotomy, our future plans and friends that I really want to blog about.  However, I have to run and get my script and visit Medicare – so it will have to wait.  It’ll be a password protected post, so if you want the password for the upcoming post, just leave your comment below and I’ll email it to you.  I’m even going to post pictures of us!!!  Crazy I know

Weekend

B and I went to a large public gallery on Friday to see an amazing exhibition.  We paid for uplate tickets, which meant we were able to lounge around after touring the gallery to watch a fantastic folk singer calm us into the weekend!  Oh how I wish I could sing!!  Wouldn’t it be lovely……..

 

  Anyway – for your interest, the picture to the left is of Beanie B looking out of one of the gallery windows to the city. We didn’t get home to after 11:00pm (which for us is late!!! – very boring I know), so after such a full on week for B work-wise and me emotional-melt-down-wise, we both were in need of a Saturday sleep in (sorry to all those mums who never get a sleep in!).  

We did some work around here on Saturday and we then headed over to a friend’s house for dinner on Saturday night.  The photo below is of the table before we began assembling our yummo vietnamese rolls.  I kept the flash off while I took the picture, which means that without a tripod my pic ended up a tad on the blurry side – apologies.

Again it was a late one getting home and we pulled ourselves out of bed on Sunday morning and did a mad dash finishing off cleaning etc before running out the door to a good friend’s 30th birthday BBQ.  We stayed there for most of the day but then had to race home as another great friend (C), who is back in Oz after being away for around 4 years, was staying with us overnight.  Because we hadn’t all caught up in so long, we stayed up chatting about C’s recent trek around Africa until around midnight again.  Poor  B was so buggered to then have to get up first thing this morning and heave off to work.  Considering she still has fatigue problems due to her symphony of medical issues (although she is getting so much better) and also add in all the commute time we had on the weekend (around 5 hours), B is doing really well.  After dropping B at the train, I then headed home and C and I packed a quick breakfast picnic and headed off to have tea and museli on the water.  It was such a lovely morning and it was great as I needed to vent about a few things – and even though C and I hadn’t seen one another in such a long time – there was no evidence of that space in our communication or our memory.  I suppose that is the really great thing about friends who understand your history – they can understand exactly why you are in the space you are standing.

There is more I want to say in this post – but I have a looming exam, which is in desperate need of my attention……Oh and for those of you desperate for (ahem) clot news – my appointment with Dr H has been rescheduled to Friday (due to aforementioned exam)!  It is day 27 today – which means yes I still have my period.  To say I am over it is an understatement!

24….warning grossness discussed!

24 is now the number of days that I have had my period.  I have known that it has been going on for far too long, but being the holder of such ‘dynamic’ cycles, I haven’t worried too much.  That was until yesterday afternoon, where I experienced the joy of Mamma blood clot from hell.  Yes hello, thank you uterus for pushing out a clot the size of a square of toilet paper!  Yes that’s right a peice of joy as big as my palm  

So I called Dr H’s office and this is the conversation,

Me:  ”Good morning, my name is Beanie G and I am one of Dr H’s patients.  I’m not sure whether I should bother him, but I have had my period for 24 days and I passed a clot the size of my palm yesterday.”

Nice receptionist: “Ewwwoohhhhhh, yes let’s get you in.  hhhmmmm how about next Tuesday morning“.

So off I go to talk about the marathon cycle.  At least it will be a good opportunity to talk about when we should aim for the next IVF cycle.  When I think about it, no wonder I have felt so tired and off centre for the last month – bloody hell.  Pun intended.

Protected: Working it all out

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Green gardens and a gentle weekend

Thank you for your lovely support – it was really needed and very much appreciated.  I am feeling a little better for actually engaging with how I was feeling about TTC, rather than stuffing it into an old, overused, emotional drawer.  It feels good to have aired and cleaned one corner of ‘not good enough’ dust.

Beanie B and I had a really lovely weekend.  On Saturday we caught up with a friend who has moved into a neighboring suburb for breakfast, and then followed it up with a drive up to a gorgeous mountain area about 20klms away.  The drive was a feast for my overwrought emotions of Friday and really helped to put life into perspective.  We ended up having a rest at the gorgeous National Park, which was so quiet and blissful, I almost managed to forget the stress headache that was still lingering around!  It was so relaxing and beautiful that we decided we have to head up there with some friends and either camp or at least have a beautiful picnic and go for a bushwalk.   After lazing in the fresh mountain air for a little, we then slowly headed home.  We stopped by a Gerard Poed’s lovely gallery and soaked in his beautiful landscape photography.  

Yesterday Beanie B and I went to the local markets and bought our usual fresh fruit and vegies from our favourite growers.  We followed that up with a coffee at a local cafe on the water, then a visit to the local nursery to pick up some more mulch and some lovely Verbana (Aztec Magic). After we got home and had the most perfect spring tomato sandwich (whole egg mayo on both sides of fresh bread, ruby red tomatoes, salt, pepper, lemon juice – heaven!), I then headed to the garden where I did a small amount of weeding, planting and pruning.  I haven’t spent much time in the garden over the last two weeks and I was absolutely buggered after my one hour stint!!

So all in all, the weekend was a huge improvement on Friday’s emotional let down  The weekend was a really important reminder that I need to concentrate on the present and not allow myself to get too lost in either past decisions or future dreams.  I seem to linger so much on either side of today, that I just miss so much.  And I have much to be grateful for.  And besides I know our baby will come.  I will be a mother soon.  I know it.

Protected: Welcome to the 17 day period and the TTC meltdown

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